Only the second day of Donald Trump’s term and already his vision of “American carnage” has thrown the world into uncertainty. Will Trump really eliminate the National Endowment for the Arts? Will he continue to alienate minorities? Is America great again yet? But lost amid today’s torrent of takes has been one of the most important questions of all: Which Hogwarts house was President Trump sorted into before the Start-of-Term Feast?
The Trump administration has been surprisingly mum about the outcome of last night’s Sorting Ceremony, a decision that will no doubt have a monumental impact on the next four to eight years. And though Full Stop managed to remain above the fray during this most recent election cycle, as a site uniquely situated at the nexus of literature and culture, not to mention the foremost authority on presidential Hogwarts houses, we feel it is our duty to shed light on the situation.
Here, our analysts make the case for each house. But first, the Sorting Hat’s song:
Sound and fury signal something
Wicked this way comes.
In a moment, kind or cunning,
I will say which one.
Double, double, toil and trouble.
What is done is done.
Fire burn and cauldron bubble.
Bernie would have won.
“I’m brave — I’m financially brave.”
The ghost of Alex Shephard: No doubt Trump got Gryffindor. I mean, Donald Trump is not just a Gryffindor, he is the Gryffindor. From his “I alone can fix it” mentality, to his vast inherited wealth, to his willingness to break the rules and go against the status quo to get the job done, Trump is the closest thing America has ever had to Harry Potter. One need only look at Trump’s storied high school career to see the similarities. A standout in soccer, football, and baseball who former teammates say could have easily gone pro, Donald Trump would no doubt have been the star of the Quidditch pitch. One of the highest ranked cadets at the New York Military Academy, he is remembered by schoolmates as “well organized” and “a great guy.” Like Potter, Trump had occasional run-ins with his teachers, but as an officer once pointed out: “Boy, he’s full of himself, but he’s got some goals.” You know who else people said was full of himself? Harry Potter. That is, until he saved the entire world from Lord Voldemort! Oh, and did I mention Trump was voted the school’s “Ladies Man” during his senior year? Imagine how jealous Ron would have been with the Donald on the prowl!
Trump’s military career ended in high school due to a high draft number and a “foot thing,” but our new president is no coward. As he told a group of veterans at one of his rallies: “I’m brave — I’m financially brave.” Exactly the kind of brave America needs in its battle against the national debt. President Trump, with his lionesque mane, would be right at home in Gryffindor Tower. Need more evidence? Just take a look at the Trump University logo:
“I think I’m much more humble than you would understand.”
Eric Jett: I could go on all day about how Trump, more than any other President in history, exemplifies the qualities of Helga Hufflepuff. I could tell you about the hard worker who took his father’s real estate empire from Brooklyn to Manhattan. I could tell you about the loyalty and acceptance that drive him to choose his supporters for some of the highest positions in the country, regardless of ability or aptitude. I could talk about his kindness, like that time one of his government-contracted shuttle planes helped reunite stranded Marines with their families, or that time he dedicated a wall in Trump Tower to the names of his most generous donors. I could laud the man who believes in playing by the rules, whether by exploiting tax loopholes or by legally bankrupting his businesses to enrich himself, the man who continues to wait patiently for the IRS to complete its audit so he can finally release his tax returns.
But you already know all that. So instead, let me just ask a simple question: Is any house dismissed so universally, so casually, as Hufflepuff? Recall Draco Malfoy before his own sorting: “Imagine being in Hufflepuff, I think I’d leave, wouldn’t you?” But Hufflepuffs are no duffers. During the school’s face-off with Voldemort, Hufflepuff was second only to Gryffindor on the battlefield. And importantly, they showed up not for the glory, like many Gryffindors, but for the greater good. Likewise, on the campaign trail, President Trump frequently betrayed the fact that he did not even really want to be president. And yet here he is, sacrificing himself, pushing his reality-TV career aside, for the good of all Americans. What better house for an underdog who dared to take on the establishment despite ridicule from his party and peers, who was counted out by the media elites and pollsters at every turn, only to push himself, through toil and determination, to become the leader of the free world?
A fierce friend like Cedric Diggory, an entrepreneur like Eglantine Puffett, inventor of the self-soaping dishcloth, Trump is a no-brainer. From his yellow hair to his black shoes, Trump, “the honey badger of American politics,” is a Hufflepuff from head to toe.
“I have a very good brain and I’ve said a lot of things.”
Mike Frye: What makes Donald Trump a true Ravenclaw? He knows things. Lots of things. Things other people don’t know. But I’m not here to tell you how smart Donald Trump is — you can ask him yourself. You need more than brains to get into Ravenclaw, and believe me folks, Donald Trump has got the goods.
Ravenclaws are known for creativity, originality, and individuality
Don’t be fooled: “Wit and learning” are not the only reasons why students are sorted into Ravenclaw. Hermione’s study habits were unmatched by her peers, but this alone was not enough to place her in Ravenclaw’s revered house of nerds. Ravenclaws stand out from their peers not just because some of them are excellent bookworms, but because of their individuality. Ravenclaws push against the current. They follow the beat of their own drum. If smart people do the same thing for years because it works, a smarter one invents something that works even better. This kind of forward-thinking makes Ravenclaws natural leaders. It is not hope or bravery they inspire, like Gryffindors, but confidence. Sure, plenty of Trump’s business ventures failed, but that’s because he’s willing to take risks. And in the end, isn’t that what real bravery looks like? Take notes, Potter!
Ravenclaws hate cheaters
Three houses, three champions. Those are the rules. That’s why most of Ravenclaw supported Cedric Diggory in the Triwizard Tournament instead of Hillary Clinton, I mean Harry Potter, who never would have qualified without outside help. And just look at the many scandals lying at her, I mean his, feet. Remember Professor Quirrel’s mysterious death? Basilisk-gate? Benghazi? He aided and abetted known terrorist Sirius Black, for chrissakes! Lock her up!
They always speak their minds
Need I say more? Luna Lovegood isn’t known for her diplomacy. It’s her devastating honesty that makes her an asset to the Potter team. You don’t gently tell one of your classmates why their transfiguration spell turned them into a houseplant instead of a cat, or carefully explain to your friend why they shouldn’t date a walking dumpster like Vincent Crabbe. You put that idiot on full blast, right in front of the entire fucking house. To hell with your feelings, you’re wrong! Ravenclaws don’t coddle each other, either. You don’t get a password to enter your common room, you answer a riddle. Oh, you got it wrong? What do you want, a participation trophy? Maybe a safe space? Tough shit, you’re sleeping on the floor tonight.
Trump is Gilderoy Lockhart
Narcissism, self-absorption, deceptiveness — if you think these traits are negative then you’re a loser. Author and celebrity wizard Gilderoy Lockhart didn’t get where he was by playing by the rules, and neither does Trump. Sure, Lochart took credit for accomplishments that weren’t his own, thanks to his creative use of memory charms, but that doesn’t make him unqualified. That makes him smart. Lockhart and Trump both had the brilliance to make celebrity the driving force of their success, launching themselves into the limelight while playing the media like puppets. That kind of boldness should be celebrated. If you were so smart, you would have done it.
Donald Trump is creative, original, outspoken, and fair. These are the kind of traits that make him an obvious Ravenclaw. Rowena would be proud.
The Sorting Hat: Are you guys fucking serious?
Eric Jett is a writer, designer, and teacher from Charleston, WV. He is a founding editor of Full Stop.
Mike Frye acts and peddles books around Cleveland, OH. His patronus is a cat.
The real Alex Shephard was too busy writing real stuff about Donald Trump for the New Republic.