1. George Washington – Gryffindor
2. John Adams – Slytherin
3. Thomas Jefferson – Ravenclaw
4. James Madison – Ravenclaw
5. James Monroe – Gryffindor
6. John Q. Adams – Ravenclaw
7. Andrew Jackson – Slytherin
8. Martin Van Buren – Hufflepuff
9. William Henry Harrison – Hufflepuff
10. John Tyler – Hufflepuff
11. James K. Polk – Slytherin
12. Zachary Taylor – Gryffindor
13. Millard Filmore – Hufflepuff
14. Franklin Pierce – Hufflepuff
15. James Buchannon – Gryffindor
16. Abraham Lincoln – Ravenclaw
17. Andrew Johnson – Slytherin
18. Ulysses S. Grant – Gryffindor
19. Rutherford B. Hayes – Hufflepuff
20. James A. Garfield – Gryffindor
21. Chester A. Arthur – Gryffindor
22. Grover Cleveland – Hufflepuff
23. Benjamin Harrison – Hufflepuff
24. Grover Cleveland – Hufflepuff
25. William McKinley – Hufflepuff
26. Theodore Roosevelt – Gryffindor
27. William Howard Taft – Ravenclaw
28. Woodrow Wilson – Ravenclaw
29. Warren G. Harding – Hufflepuff
30. Calvin Coolidge – Hufflepuff
31. Herbert Hoover – Hufflepuff
32. Franklin D. Roosevelt – Gryffindor
33. Harry S. Truman – Gryffindor
34. Dwight D. Eisenhower – Gryffindor
35. John F. Kennedy – Gryffindor
36. Lyndon B. Johnson – Slytherin
37. Richard Nixon – Slytherin
38. Gerald Ford – Hufflepuff
39. Jimmy Carter – Hufflepuff
40. Ronald Reagan – Gryffindor
41. George H.W. Bush – Ravenclaw
42. Bill Clinton – Slytherin
43. George W. Bush – Hufflepuff
44. Barack Obama – Ravenclaw
45. Donald Trump – ???

Instead of using this space to explain the elaborate methodology I used to come to these conclusions, I offer a contest! Whoever writes the best rebuttal to one or more of my choices wins an audiobook of Jeffrey Eugenides’ The Marriage Plot.* A winner will be announced Monday afternoon.

*This is totally real.

Update: I have written a brief follow-up, responded to a few comments, and declared a contest winner. Click here to check it out. 


 

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  • Max Rivlin-Nadler

    John Adams – Slytherin
    I DISAGREE.

    Adams, to me, is a Hufflepuff through and through. Bureaucratic, an upholder of Laws, lifelong statesman, and a Unitarian to boot, he seems exactly what Helga Hufflepuff had in mind. See his quote below:

    “The whole people must take upon themselves the education of the whole people and be willing to bear the expenses of it. There should not be a district of one mile square, without a school in it, not founded by a charitable individual, but maintained at the public expense of the people themselves.”

    This sounds a lot like: “”Dear Hufflepuff, she took the rest and taught them all she knew.”

     Now, we can’t ignore the Alien & Sedition acts. Those do seem Slytherin-esque, but how different are they from the PATRIOT ACT, enacted by George W. Bush, a Hufflepuff. Or the Spanish-American war, spearheaded by Mckinley, also a Hufflepuff. It seems as though Hufflepuffs are concerned with maintaining the Status Quo, at any cost, in defense of the Public Good. While we might not agree with their methods (they are sometimes simple enough to believe the ends justify the means), and their conception of the Public might be outdated and useless, it seems all very Hufflepuffy. Take ’em all, Fuck the rest. 

     Adams was fond of saying, during great debates about Tariffs, “Listen, guys, we’re all Wizards. Can’t we just jam on that idea for a while?”

    • Jen Nagle

      Okay, looks like the author needs to read David McCollough’s biography on John Adams. John Adams was NOT an ambitious man, so Slytherin is right out. 

      Without Abigail’s encouragement that he was the right man to see things done, he would have never done a third of what he did, much less stand for President and be elected Washington’s VP. He was urged out of retirement to serve as Washington’s VP. 

      I cannot rave too much about David McCollough’s biography! The book is as entertaining as fiction and the HBO Mini Series was also wonderful. 
      http://www.amazon.com/John-Adams-David-McCullough/dp/0684813637

      Furthermore, Adams himself said the ONLY reason he passed the Alien & Sedition Acts was that he believed *his* *constituents,* the people who *elected* *him,* wanted him to pass them. It tore him up inside to sign it. But he was a President who believed that he needed to do what  he people who *elected* *him* told him to do — none of this rogue “cowboy action” that Alexander Hamilton, Washington’s Secretary of Treasury was demanding. Hamilton was trying to go for an *invasion* of France and Adams would have none of it… which led to a lot of the attacks on Adams. Adams did not believe in political parties and he did not believe he should use his Veto power as much as it is used in Modern times. THAT in itself explains the passage of the Alien & Sedition Acts. 

      He faced down some incredibly dangerous times with the help of his friends — and his dearest friend, his wife, Abigail. Gryffindor. 

  • Abraham Lincoln, a Ravenclaw? Lincoln represents the finest qualities of Hufflepuff: hard work, devotion to fair play, and the desire for equality and unity. Sure, he was smart. But a President frequently depicted splitting logs should be allowed to demonstrate that much-benighted Hufflepuff has its own valuable standards of excellence.

    • Dicks

      NOPE! Lincoln was strongly opposed to equality and even to the principle of sovereignty. His only merit as a president was desiring to keep the country together, and he mostly did so for fear of the huge economic loss the north would sustain. If the south didn’t have one end of the Mississippi, he probably would have let them right out. If anything, Douglas was a far more fair-minded individual, but people like to paint him ugly because instead of only being willing to outlaw slavery if it were necessary, he wanted the states to have the sovereign right to choose.

  • Sara Nachlis

    James Garfield was not a Gryffindor. He was most definitely a Ravenclaw. You could ask him a question in English and he could write a response in Latin with one hand and Greek with the other! Sure he was assasinated which might seem to denote braveness, but he was all Ravenclaw.

    Sidenote: He once described Lincoln as distressingly homely. ZING!

    P.S. I like the Bill Clinton Slytherin sorting. He is rather Slughorn-esqe (It took a lot not to write Slughorny)

  • Emily

    I feel that any politician that makes it to the presidential level is in most way Slytherin.

  • Francesca Krihely

    Barack Obama – Ravenclaw
    Absolutely not. Obama is 100% maverick aka Gryffindor. 

    • Dicks

      He has far more intellect than courage.

    • gg

      Oama stinks he is a slytherin

    • Chandler

      Obama is easily a Slytherin. President Obama is very ambitious, and is successful in getting people to follow him. Being Slytherin is not a bad thing.

  • Abbe Schriber

    how the fuck is W not a Slytherin? that man was Voldemort himself, for that matter.

    • Nika

      ok i totally see your point, but slytherins are cunning! and i don’t think “cunning” describes W. cheney and rumsfeld were the slytherins; W was just a hapless hufflepuff.

      • Brian

        Cheney is Ravenclaw. The man has zero ambition, and he came from nothing. He’s got a big brain and works behind the scenes. You can’t just sort people you don’t like into Slytherin. It doesn’t work that way.

        Now Rumsfeld … he could be Slytherin. The guy spent the latter half of his life trying to be president and only gave up when he decided he was too old.

    • can you be a hufflepuff with a “deport the house-elves” based platform?

    • Dicks

      HURRRR BUSH WAS HITLER

      jesus christ, just because he didn’t perfectly well serve your ideals as a perfect president doesn’t mean he was pure evil. he greatly sought to protect the will of the people, it just happens that he was unable to see the ramifications of listening to the loud minority.

      of course, there was that bailout deal at the end, and the whole having corporate hands in his pockets, but that’s every president since Eisenhower.

    • Bush belongs in Slytherin for the same reason that Crabbe and Goyle are in Slytherin. People forget that it’s not just the house of evil cunning geniuses. There are plenty of stupid people in the dungeon. There are also plenty of naive 11-year-olds who got in because they’re from racist pureblood
      families and were told by their parents that they HAD to get in, or else. That describes Bush to a T.

      He also certainly had the ambition, and it’s a very Slytherin-ey sort of ambition – not ambition to make the world a better place, but ambition to reach a certain status because he thought that it was his birthright to be there.

      However, if not Slytherin, my second guess would be Gyffindor. American fundamentalism is marked by the belief that “traditional family values”
      are moral and true, and that to follow them and be a person of faith you must be brave and strong. American neoconservatism consists of a large population of passionate, good-hearted people being used by greedy propagandists. If George Bush is sincere in his beliefs then I suppose he could fall into the first group.

    • Michal Soukup

      I think that is was his style of dealing with people on personal level.

  • Anonymous

    Based on these choices, I feel like your understanding of the Hufflepuff character is deeply flawed.

  • Karen

    How could George W be a Hufflepuff?

  • Speaking as anon-US ‘natural’ Republican…
    Jimmy Carter was clearly a Gryffindor.
    If ever Neville Longbottom was in the Whitehouse, it was as Jimmy C.
    Gryffindors are all about bravery and loyalty and doing what’s right, and Jimmy kept bravely plugging away at everything he believed in, even when he knew it would cost him re-election, he kept loyally supporting people who had helped him on the way up even when to do so was damaging to him persoanlly. He kept on refusing to deal with the Iranians, refusing to supply arms to Contras, even though such things would have helped him, because they were WRONG.
    This is a man who put honour and loyalty above reelection.
    Gryffindor all the way.

    • Anonymous

      This is excellent reasoning – it even convinced my boyfriend, who enjoys making Jimmy Carter jokes when ever he’s had too much to drink and someone makes the mistake of mentioning him on Fox News.

    • None

      I’d say Carter would have to be Slytherin.  By the time he became Pres, he also became a coward, caving to every special interest that he thought could help him get re-elected.  A good example would be the ban on nuclear fuel recycling.  Every other nuclear country on Earth recycles their nuclear fuel, but he thought he knew more than everyone else in the room (which he still does, by the way).  Another example was putting Adm Turner in charge of the CIA – those 2 pretty much crippled our ability to fight terrorists, and as a result, the Americans died.  Carter’s already widely considered the worst president of all time, although Bush43 might be right behind him, but when it’s all said and done, Obama might end up beating them both.  Time will tell.  

    • gg

      Carter was an idiot

  • Janet Potter

    Let’s talk about John Tyler.

    Tyler was an ambitious politician. In the messy world of political parties in the 1830s, he decided to be a Whig more because he violently disliked the Democratic party bigwigs Jackson and Van Buren than because he actually agreed with Whig policy. As was usually the case, presidential candidates would choose a Southern VP to balance the ticket, so when William Henry Harrison’s campaign was like “you’re a Whig, right?” he was like “uhhhh, sure, if it gets me to the White House.”

    Then WHH died, and there was no law saying who took over in the event of a president’s death. “Guys, it’s me, I’ll take over,” said ambitious John Tyler. “Really? Perhaps we should check the books on that, let Congress talk about it?” “No need,” says Tyler, “I’ll just be president now.”

    What does the new Whig president do? He vetoes every Whig bill that comes through Congress. “Hey! We thought you were a Whig! We got you elected!” say the Whigs. “Whatever,” says John Tyler.

    His cabinet resigns en masse. The Whigs officially denounce him. He is called the traitor president, the “president without party.” He is now on the record as disliking both the Democrats and the Whigs. You can guess how much he got done. Oh, and was he a flaming racist? Did he openly insult the emperor of China? Did he refuse to meet with Hawaiian emissaries because they looked too black? Why, of course!

    After his term as president, had he had enough of being a dick to Washington? No! He was elected to the Confederate Congress. I’ll say that again, THE CONFEDERATE CONGRESS.

    He died in 1862, and remains the only American president whose death wasn’t officially mourned in Washington.

    John Tyler is in Slytherin or I am a koala bear.

  • Clinton fan

    I disagree with Bill Clinton as Slytherin.  I’d put him in Griffindore.  It’s true that he wanted to be President, but he wasn’t at all evil.  Under Clinton, the economy was great.  It hasn’t been that good since.  And he got a children’s health bill passed and signed it into law.  He tried to get health care for everyone, but Congress wouldn’t go along with that.

    Since Clinton left office he has gone to various places in the world to help, not just when there’s a tsunami or other disaster, but also fighting AIDS and trying to alert people to global warming.

    • gg

      Clinton iz horrible one of the worst ever

  • Bauereagle99

    I’d like to point out that Slytherin is not the house meant for greedy, evil people. Plenty of evil people have come out of other houses as well. Therefore, putting bad presidents into Slytherin because they passed what seemed to be “evil” laws would be incorrect. Consider that when you’re sorting. 
    Slytherins are cunning, ambitious and strong. They fight for what they want and are strong leaders, independent AND firm, yet kind.

    • Thank you! There were a lot of bad eggs that came from other houses as well. Lest we forget, Merlin himself was a Slytherin. Slytherin’s have the greatest potential for greatness and utilize whatever resources are at their disposal to further their ideals. I think a lot more presidents on this list SHOULD be considered Slytherin, but not because “politicians are evil”

  • I hope the only reason Clinton’s down as Slytherin is because he let Lewinski suck his snake. (…too much?)

  • mmailliw

    I have to disagree with your assignment of Franklin Delano Roosevelt into Gryffindor House.  First of all, if he were a Gryffindor, I’d imagine that he likely would have been trumpeting his polio and inability to walk with pride (“look at what I can do despite it”); instead, he acted in the interest of self preservation by concealing his condition so well that nearly everyone thought he could still walk.

    Looking at this, one could already be thinking of Slytherin as his correct house – and there are quite a few other things that support this as well.  For example, Salazar Slytherin always prized “a certain disregard for the rules” in his students – and what could represent that more than changing the unwritten rules to benefit himself and his own ends?  (Think about his holding the presidency for four terms instead of just two… as well as his trying to stack the Supreme Court with more justices until two of the ones already on the court switched the way they voted to give him a majority!)

    Also, we can move onto his Fireside Chats – all of which simply strike me as being in the persuasive tone of a Slytherin (“the only thing we have to fear is fear itself” seems leonine from a distance until you realize what he’s getting at:  a successful plan to jumpstart the economy by convincing others to have confidence in the banks instead of simply hoarding the money).

    Finally, let us look at FDR’s tastes in food, which was a pretty intense issue between FDR and his wife Eleanor; Eleanor’s choice of White House chef, Henrietta Nesbitt, consistently served food that was not up to his standards… to the point that he would regularly sneak out to his yacht on Fridays to have delicious seafood and meats instead (and that he joked that his goal for his fourth term was to fire Mrs. Nesbitt)!  This intense love for creature comforts reminds me a lot more of the Slytherin Head of House Horace Slughorn (who had very specific tastes for delicious foods, among other things) than anyone else – so I view this as a point for Sorting him into Slytherin as well.

  • W. as a Hufflepuff? You mean the guy who went charging into war guns blazing? The guy who hates gays and non-whites? Not very tolerant, if you ask me. How is he not a Gryffindor?

  • I absolutely disagree with George W Bush as a Hufflepuff. As a proud member of the house of Helga Hufflepuff, he in no way represents the loyal, fair, and hardworking spirit of Hufflepuff. Bush’s militaristic actions are completely opposite of the peaceful Hufflepuff, one who is “just and loyal…patient…true..and unafraid of toil.” While he was not the strongest leader, and fumbled in his actions, this in no way makes him a Hufflepuff, the house which is basically characterized as receiving the leftovers. We are not losers. 

  • Just because GWB isn’t obviously brave, smart, or ambitious, it doesn’t mean he can be thrown into Hufflepuff, I mean, there’s nothing to suggest that Dubya’s loyal, hardworking, and–I don’t know, “a good friend”. I think his propensity to get where he is by his connections and/or his father makes him a dead-on Slytherin. Besides, who’s to say he isn’t ambitious? Anyone with his low IQ who dared to think he could win the American Presidency (and actually get it–*twice*) has to be Ambitious as hell.

    • Brian

      There’s really nothing to suggest that he wasn’t loyal, hardworking, or a good friend either. As a matter of fact, he demonstrated tremendous loyalty to people like Harriet Miers, Alberto Gonzales, and John Bolton. Hardworking? The guy routinely worked twelve-hour days. Even when he was on vacation. And no matter what you think of his politics, it’s quite clear that the man is beloved by those who consider him a friend. Just because he was a subpar president (and he was), that doesn’t make him evil. Not that all Slytherins are pure evil either. But that’s another conversation.

  • Marie

    Martin Van Buren was definitely a Slytherin. He DESTROYED Calhoun just so he could become President. Thanks to Jackson’s economic policies, he failed miserably. But he was definitely an ambitious man, and extremely cunning. He’s a Slytherin.
    I also agree with Adams being a Hufflepuff, although I might argue Gryffindor, given his dedication to any cause he thought was right, no matter the consequences. But I think Hufflepuff is more suitable. Partially because I’m a Hufflepuff.

  • i  only  am  famiar  with  facebook

  • Clinton can’t be Slytherin. Everyone knows Slytherins don’t get laid.

  • Garrett Mayo

    Obama = slytherin hes a tyrant

  • Jennifer Lin

    LOL xD this is the funniest list I…ever saw but the Gryffindors and Ravenclaws do make sense. Way to go Lincoln, FDR and GW 😀

  • Captain Quirky

    I realize this is old, but I know in my heart that William Henry Harrison was a Gryffindor. Let’s start with his early life- from 14, he defied and angered his pro-slavery father with his Quaker influences (Admittedly, Harrison is decidedly more pro-slavery later in life for economic reasons). At 18, after his father died and left him penniless, Harrison began his military career. At 22, when he asked a judge’s blessing to marry his daughter and was refused, Harrison waited for the judge’s absence and then eloped with his chosen bride. After a career in both Houses of Congress, he became a war hero, leading men in the famed battles of Tecumseh and Tippecanoe, notably. He received a gold medal for his service in the War of 1812, and later began his presidential campaigns. In 1840, he defeated incumbent van Buren in a landslide electoral college victory. He then, of course, on his inauguration delivered his fatally long speech in which he laid clear his promises and plans as a Whig President. He sought to overthrow the patronage spoils system, pledged and committed to reform in executive appointments, and transcended party lines when he refused to deny the Democrats a role in the US government. Though tragically short, Harrison’s term as President and life before sport the red and gold colors through and through.

  • Amanda

    Trump is the bad side of Gryffindor. Arrogant, cocky, thinks he’s better then everyone.