Good news, protesters! Your 1099s from George Soros have finally arrived! But now what? If you’re anything like me, this is your favorite time of year, the time to reflect on the progress you’ve made the last 365 days and contribute your fair share to the IRS. But don’t mail your parents that box of papers just yet! Though most of us have probably never even dreamed of trying to decrease our tax burden and deprive our nation’s vital public institutions of their lifeblood, we can no longer be certain that money sacrificed today won’t be used to enforce racist laws at home, or wage unjust wars abroad, tomorrow. That’s why it has never been more important to take advantage of the deductions available to professional protesters. After reading this, you may not be able to dodge taxes quite like Trump, but you’ll be well on your way to getting the most out of your tax return this year.
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Deductions aren’t just for the 1%. Whether you’re paying for poster materials, internet for your home office/rendezvous point, or medical bills for self-inflicted injuries, as a self-employed rabble rouser, you are eligible to deduct many costs incurred on the frontlines of democracy. Just make sure you keep receipts of your purchases — or more likely, instas of your expropriations — because you can bet your ass that professional anarchists and protesters will be at the top of the audit list this year.
Some common costs eligible for deduction include: bandanas; spray paint; burners; accelerants; bricks; glitter; Liquid ASS; pussy hats; jimmy hats; dick scarves; “medicine”; AppleCare; self-defense for allies; court fees; student loan late fees; zine-making supplies; subscriptions to literary-cultural hybrid sites; and tickets to the Bernie Sanders book tour.
Travel costs are one of the most overlooked deductions by taxpayers, anarchists and fascists alike. But whether you were in DC, New York, or Berkeley, as long as you spent more time shouting for the voiceless than you did tacitly supporting white supremacy, your travel expenses, including Megabus,
Uber Lyft, Airbnb ???, and hip, casual ethnic fare, are eligible for deduction.
Though all property is theft, stolen property may still be subject to the loot tax. No, you don’t have to worry about that liberated smartphone or flatscreen, but under the current rules, protesters must declare any looted item “valued” over $999.98 (or $823 if from a small business). Fortunately, the value of items carried through a shattered storefront by multiple people can be divided among the participants, so make sure to bring the whole family if you want to avoid penalties!
You Buy It, You Break It
Though every protest inevitably ends in violence and destruction of public property, not enough protesters realize that their own tax dollars helped pay for those windows, street signs, and schools. But as long as you have the Facebook Live video to prove you were there, you can declare up to $56,111 in lost tax investments per year. Just like Trump has avoided taxes for nearly two decades by running his businesses into the ground, enough destruction could mean avoiding taxes for at least the next four years.
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Who knows how long these deductions will last, so take advantage of them while you can! And get those forms in soon — before the revolution renders money useless!
Eric Jett is a writer, designer, and teacher from Charleston, WV. He is a founding editor of Full Stop.