Kraftwerk is playing at MoMA, as all of you who read this website probably already know. Some of you might be ticket holders yourselves. Maybe you paid $700 to a scalper. Maybe you paid $20,000. Maybe you bought the $40,000 ticket I saw for sale online. If you have a job where you make enough money to blow over a grand on a concert ticket, I hate you. If your parents give you that kind of cash to spend on concerts, I hate you even more. You don’t deserve to go. Here’s why:
1. You won’t like Kraftwerk in 10 years.
No, seriously, you really won’t. If you had liked them 15 years ago, all their late ’90s shows would have been sold out too. You won’t be listening to them in 10 years. You won’t be doing yoga, wearing the same kinds of clothes, eating designer muffins, or be really into cooking. You’ll be performing a different list of trendy bullshit in your pathetic attempt to substitute taste for creativity and contentment.
2. You don’t have good taste in music.
If you did, the Melvins show would be sold out as well. Again, you’re just going to see Kraftwerk because someone who works for New York magazine told you to.
3. What do you think about this?
If you like it, you’re stupid. If you think it’s stupid, you’re really stupid.
4. You don’t understand krautrock.
Quick, name another three krautrock bands better than Kraftwerk. Let me get you started: Faust…
5. Middle-class people cannot afford to see Kraftwerk.
And you’re a monster.
6. Somone told you it was cool to live in Berlin, and now you have tickets to the Kraftwerk show.
Was für Sie “Erfahrung” heißt, ist nichts anderes als ein Hund mit einem feuchten Traum.
7. Did you know that all Kraftwerk tickets are cursed?
It’s not a reason why you don’t deserve to go, but it’s a reason why you shouldn’t. Every Kraftwerk fan knows this. Much like the actors who say “the Scottish play,” we call them “the German band,” and never buy tickets to their shows. The only way to break this horrible curse, a curse eventually leading to bleeding gums, lockjaw, anal polyps, etc., is to send all tickets to me. Leave your email address in the comments section and I’ll get at you.