The sport of horse racing, which celebrates the whipping of inbred and fragile horses for purposes of monetary gain, has been sullied. This morning, the NYTimes ran an article about “Kegasus”, a mythical beast appropriated by the Maryland Jockey Club to promote the upcoming second-leg of the Triple Crown, The Preakness.

“Kegasus” — half-man, half-horse, all-“party” — is attempting to revive a festive atmosphere despite diminishing attendance and interest in horse racing. The advertising company Elevation Ltd., describes a creation wherein Kegasus is the “son of Preaknesius — God of Thoroughbred Racing.” HOWEVER, Elevation Ltd. has INCORRECTLY employed Kegasus’s mythology. And Full Stop would like to correct this shoddy recasting of an important myth.

If one were to pull their tattered copy of Edith Hamilton’s Mythology from above their marble fireplace, pad softly back to one’s overstuffed armchair at which a powerful mastiff gently dozes, they would find on pages 68-70, the classical telling of “The Creation of Kegasus” (fragments excerpted below)1

Kegasus, a demigod, was conceived when Broseidon appeared to Diana (of Delta Phi Omega) in the form of a Lacrosse player. Taken by Diana’s ability to name all the championship years of Coorsica University, Broseidon sired Kegasus.…

Kegasus, most scholars can agree, was a “Hero”, while all those around him, as he would proudly announce, were “Zeroes”…….

He would refer to his maternal grandfather as “Old-Fartimus”, and his uncle as “Apollloooooooooooooo”…..

Renowned for showing up to Dionysian parties just as “things were winding down”, he would nonetheless demand a serving of “Weed” and inquire “Are there any more of those Nymphos around?”

The constellation Kegasus, located in the Mid-Atlantic sky, represents the liminal struggle between one’s animal nature and one’s need to maintain eligibility for next season….

Puka Shells are most sacred to Kegasus and can be found littered about his shrine in HellaHellanos….

He liked to remind certain “nymphos” around the Forum that “the half that matters” is much like a horse.

So thank you Maryland Jockey Club, for taking a myth and distorting it to serve the needs of a sorely misunderstood sport. Without the luster and class, horseracing would just look like tiny men hitting big beasts while desperate people hold crumpled pieces of paper.

In all seriousness though, MUCHO MACHO MAN is Full Stop’s horse.

1 other ed. note: Those readers interested in “The Creation of Kegasus,” responsibly salvaged here by Max, should also refer to “Brometheus Totally Bound, Dude” (pp. 420-423). This myth relates the fall of the titan Brometheus (uncle of Kegasus) who famously stole a keg tap from the gods and gave it to mankind. As punishment, Brometheus was put on academic probation for thousands of years. After defying the gods again, in what legend tells us was the biggest pantie raid ever to hit Mount Olympus (he also stole the arts of writing, mathematics, agriculture, medicine, and science, but whatev) Brometheus was punished by the gods. Chained to a rock, the titan was cursed to “have his boner harshed by the college dean for all eternity.” – Jesse


 

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