Thousands of students got a surprise today, after morning showings of the new buddy-cop film Ride Along turned out to be part of an operation by the nation’s truancy officers, looking to crack down on students who found the Ice Cube/Kevin Hart vehicle more attractive than their studies.
“We were midway through the trailer for the new 300 movie, which looks awesome, when all of a sudden the lights came on and these dudes just bolted in and handcuffed us to our seats,” said Jeffrey King, 13, a student at Harris Middle School in Newport, Va. “Then they started teaching us math. It was horrible.”
The film, which was financed entirely by the National Truancy Task Force, was designed to prove “irresistible” to wayward youth who might choose to spend their Friday with Ice Cube and Kevin Hart instead of their teachers.
“I was really looking forward to that scene where Kevin Hart fires the shotgun and flies against the wall,” said Gary Thomas, 14, who has already missed 17 days of school in his hometown of Shreveport, LA.
“With the release of Rush Hour 4 seeming more and more unlikely, I thought we were in trouble,” said Arnie Dubner, commander of the National Truancy Task Force. “But thanks to some good old-fashion police work, we were able to design a film so attractive to the teenage mind, that this morning was like leading sheep to slaughter, with Kevin Hart as our wonderful new Judas goat.”
According to early estimates released by the NTTF, the operation netted around 2,500 truants nationwide. The film cost the Federal government $20 million to produce, and another $10 million to market it specifically to delinquent youths.
“This is the worst day of my life,” said Zachary Anthony, 12, of Akron, OH. “I just wanted to see Kevin Hart talk to Ice Cube about sleeping with Ice Cube’s sister. Because honestly, and this is just my opinion here, that seems like a rookie mistake.”
“Of course this is really a one-shot deal,” said Dubner. “Word spreads like wildfire nowadays, so the whole West Coast is already onto us.” However, students may be in for another surprise lesson very soon, according to Dubner. “We have another movie coming out next week for English class. I can’t tell you which one, but let’s just say that after 200 years, a certain classic of Gothic fiction is still alive.”
This post may contain affiliate links.
