In an effort to boost revenue, Full Stop has partnered with a prominent gun rights advocacy group to create sponsored content. The following article is our first of that kind. We promise to always let you know which of our articles are sponsored, but it’s our hope that you won’t find any difference in quality of content or coherence of theme.
Your studly hunk isn’t going to just come out and tell you what he wants — that would be too easy.
Where would the feeling of victory be in that? Where would the sense of spontaneous organic connection come from, if not from you accurately reading the hints that he’s constantly dropping? And believe me ladies, he IS dropping them. So how DO you read the man code? What does he mean when he says things like “I’m hungry” or “stop trying to stick your finger in my butt when we’re having sex”? Sometimes it can be harder to decipher than the German Enigma code.
But all codes must eventually be broken, and the mind of your beefcake is no exception. Here is a rough guide to what he’s REALLY trying to tell you:
When he asks: “Where are you going?”
He really means: “Why haven’t you bought me a gun yet?”
He wouldn’t worry so much if he were going with you, but whenever you walk out of that door alone, his number one responsibility (protecting YOU) is entirely out of his hands. He would just feel more comfortable, more in control, if he had a gun to polish while he’s sitting in his man-chair, awaiting your sweet return. It’s a psychological thing, and although he may be the last to admit it, his mental health can be just as important as his snacks and entertainment. Unless you don’t plan to have very many ladies nights out, it’s always best if you buy your man a nice little revolver to ease his lonely mind.
When he says: “I want to go see a movie or something this weekend.”
He really means: “My guns are all too small.”
Of course anyone with teensy weensy little pistols would rather go out and see a movie instead of going to the backyard to shoot his guns. But Brave and Dragonheart are no replacement for serious firepower. “Guns are like gardens,” says big game hunter C.J. McElroy. “They don’t sleep and they have to keep moving or they die. A man who stops the growth of his armament at a few measly pistols has a dead garden on his hands.” If you notice that you and your main squeeze are starting to spend a lot of your free time at the theater, consider buying him an assault rifle or rocket propelled grenade launcher. You can work on your tan or read the latest pot-boiler while your other half destroys abandoned cars at the junk yard. It’s best to take any strong interest in culture as a cry for help.
When he asks: “Do you really think we can afford that?”
He means: “I’d like to save up for an automatic shotgun.”
The Sentinel Arms Co. Striker-12 and the Cobray/SWD Streetsweeper aren’t cheap. And your man knows it. There’s no way you can afford both the gun AND that trip to Cabo. And we know which one you’ll regret less. ; )
When he says: “I think it might rain today.”
He means: “Why don’t we donate more to the NRA?”
Those gathering clouds he sees aren’t just literal — they’re also the metaphorical gloom of nanny state Big Government overreach. He’s less worried about grabbing an umbrella than about grabbing his constitutional rights and clutching them tightly to his chest, close to his heart. What better way to “stay dry” than by donating to the only organization protecting his venerable and holy right to arm himself?
When he asks: “Will you marry me?”
He means: “I finally found something that I love as much as guns.”
Guess what, lucky little lady . . . that thing is YOU!
When he says: “None of my pants fit anymore.”
He means: “Time to buy an AR-15 and some teflon-coated rounds.”
Your helpless heartthrob is feeling a bit hemmed in. Lucky for you two lovebirds, the AR-15 offers a bunch of variants, from the short carbine, to the heavy barrelled kind. The rack system allows for so many cutting edge optics that your honeybear just might give up his spectacles and start wearing two Trijicon TA11 ACOGs instead. And for all of you bed-wetting libs out there, those teflon “Cop Killers,” as you call them, are for shooting through the heavily armored car doors of drug dealers, not for hurting public servants. Unless those servants tread on your property without a warrant.
When he says: “I’m really working hard to try to have a personal relationship with Jesus.”
He means: “I’d love for you to come to the range with me.”
This one is pretty self explanatory.
When he says: “I think I kind of like that new Metallica thing with that one folk-rock word-poet who isn’t Bob Dylan.”
He means: “Gun cleaning time. Get out the CLP oil and rags, love.”
No one likes to do chores, but you can always spice up gun-cleaning time with a little music. Whether he rocks out to the funky grooves of Maroon 5 or prefers the beer-shaking bass work of Les Claypool, listening to his favorite playlist will make cleaning his babies twice as fun.
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